Is it Rational to be Transgender?

This is of course a personal piece. It’s not speaking for anyone else. Pieces by other Trans co-counselors would add to the picture and make it more representative of Trans lives and awareness in general. In particular, this text lacks female-to-male-Trans and gynophile input.

In any case, improved understanding of gender identity should give a boost to liberation from internalized sexism in women and to contradicting sexist patterns in men that keep institutionalized sexism in place. It could also help undermine other biases that relate to gender, the sexes or sexuality, like LGBQI oppressions. In other words: such clarity could be useful for much more than integration of some Trans-people in RC. I have included information for people who are new to all of this.

A few first points on terms:

The biological sexes are what we see on the outside, the term gender should be reserved for how we identify “on the inside.” For example: someone’s sex or body might be male, while her gender identity can be female: a male-to-female Trans-person.

Gender refers to what gender identity we have ourselves; sexual orientation (also “on the inside”) refers to which biological sex we need our sexual partner to be. Issues from these two classifications overlap but basically they are independent of each other, just like being Italian and a chef. So can a person who looks like a man, feel a women and have a sexual preference for women. It might not work for her to “just be a heterosexual man,” disrespecting her gender.

More details on terms to follow.

A Gay Life

My life story about Gay in a nutshell. When I was six years old, most guys (of any age) walked hand in hand with girls only, while as a young lad I was romantically attracted to guys. When I was ten, I heard the word homo for the first time, surprised that there must be so many that there even was a word for them/us. After that, I presumed to be Gay. It has been and continues to be a useful assumption.

Thanks to Harvey Jackins, working on ESM became a priority and I have only profited from that. It removed quite some sexual compulsion about men (and other addictions) and quite some fear of closeness with women. Working so early for so long also improved awareness about young people. All of life greatly picked up. As it turned out, sex with a woman was possible too, but that never became something particularly fancied. Working very early, revealed what made me choose to be Gay and what made me Trans (though even with this knowledge I still can’t reverse either).

Transgender Awareness

Yet, a few years ago, a brilliant long-term counselor of mine, who also loves me very much, suggested in my session that I could have something with Transgender. It was a big shock. But on hindsight he was right. This narrative is a bit different from the sometimes stereotypical Trans stories popular in the media.

I am male-to-female Trans-person but still fond of my male body. My Trans part could be illustrated with examples that are certainly not exclusive to or defining of women (or men), but nevertheless together still might be unusual as awareness and feelings in men:

• Outlook on the world – why do people always fight?
• Outlook on women – I want to say “us” when I’m with them.
• Outlook on men – strange how immature men often relate
• Effects from sexism – after swallowing a lot of sexism (first of all by identifying with my mother) it became second nature to serve and please others and be intimidated by unfriendly others. (There was not much encouragement against this timidity inside or outside RC for someone supposedly not a girl.)
• Even before entering RC, listening and being supportive was easy, just like for my mother. And even in RC, taking leadership and coming across a deeply listening ear were hard.
• Too bad I couldn’t get pregnant and bear children.
• Outlook on sex – climaxing is important but without relationship, friendship and much cuddling it’s just stale pastime.

Yet:

• Multi-tasking is a challenge – supposedly a women’s talent.
• Nurturing is my gift but it drains more than it energizes.
• In school, I was trained to reason like a guy (only later, women in RC showed me that one can explain by giving examples) and I’m often hyperaware of principles, much like my father.
• Often, it is hard to find what’s just right in front of my nose.

In any case, I identify now as partly Trans, intergender or bigender, though largely still in the closet about any of this.

What could be a general direction or commitment for Trans-people? “Standing guard” seems to help me. Maybe that’s understandable giving how unsafe many Trans-people appear to feel.

More on terms:

Some Trans-activists say that only Transsexual is the proper term for a mismatch between gender and biological sex. Others prefer Transgender, that they chose to imply a rejection of the “binary system,” which expects people to label themselves and others as either female or male, with no in-between shades of gray and no options outside one-or-the-other thinking. In any case, a neutral term to bypass this discussion is: Trans-people.

On top of this dispute, some people may dislike the word transsexual (and homosexual) because it needlessly and inappropriately seems to refer to sexuality – which it does not: it refers to biological sex. Or gender could be preferred because that would be more essential than biological sex (“gender studies”).

One could make many puns on trans (transfat, transportation) but better avoid “joking” like that about oppressed groups. It feels icky and may hurt. We know how to discharge awkwardness without embarrassing anyone.

Thinking About Policy – Hormones and Operations

From the above you may deduce a stance against a general norm that in order to be “really” a Trans person, one must take sex hormones and have sex change operations to flip the body’s visible sex. (When we put it positively, we won’t speak of sex change but of gender-confirmative changes.)

Typically, many GLBTQIs hate an overdone drive towards “normalcy,” which in this case would be: either be a stereotypical man or woman. The medical profession has corrupted itself in several fields (like psychiatry, pediatrics) trying to “normalize” “patients.” (Nevertheless, let’s credit physicians for persisting in their find for a century now, that gender identity can’t be changed, but body appearance can.)

So, “gender mismatch” does not always need to be “gender dysphoria” – the psychiatric expression for unhappiness with one’s biological sex. Why couldn’t one be proud of and happy with what is, like: a male body and a female identity at the same time?

Therefore, let’s help popularize the option for Trans-people to keep one’s body as is and still identify, and choose to be addressed and recognized as the other sex (or as “them” or “it” or sometimes as she and sometimes as he – ask them). Beware: This renaming should not be abused as escape route for male-bodied people to flee necessary work on our sexism patterns and queue-jumping male privileges!

In any case, let’s not condemn or frown upon anyone for choosing sex changes. We may deeply understand how one can be fed-up with being mismatched on gender by others constantly, and long for “being normal” in the public eye, and then go for such drastic medical options.

Presently, many Trans-people seem to give in to hormones and operations because they can’t take it any longer that others all the time misjudge their gender. (Yet, Gays and Lesbians often need to correct others on making wrong assumptions on the sex of their partner/spouse, and it’s not the end of the world.) Besides, in many places in the world some try to escape danger of being spotted as “pre-operative” Trans-persons or Gay as it there is a mortal danger. Hence, we could expect that when Trans and Gay oppressions diminish, more Trans-people would embrace any clash between their gender identity and biological sex without trying to “solve” it.

Yet, this Intersex situation may not work for all Trans-people. Some, from a very young age, really hate their sex characteristics and can’t wait to change: breasts to beard (vv), genitals and hormonal status.

BTW: Hormonal change leads to reshaping the skeletal bones and silhouette, which takes a couple of years. To acquire beard or breast goes faster. In a male-to-female it leads to infertility (standard is to freeze sperm ahead of treatment), in a female-to-male it does not.

NB: Full or partial cross-dressing most of the time is not related to Transgender. It can be part of playing with stereotypical roles for the sexes or genders (travesty, Queer!) or be a role play in sexuality.

Some female-to-male Transsexuals have only changed hormonally (beard) and had “top surgery” (breasts removal), changing their public image but retaining their life-giving ability (womb).

There is a report from a group of female-to-male Transsexuals who after the operations refused to give up on their gentle “feminine” side, rejecting super-macho norms. It seems a special challenge to show one’s gender without buying into (oppressive) stereotypes and expectations about the sexes/genders. However, Trans-people should not be singled out for blame for using existing stereotypical ridged sex and gender role norms.

Sessions – Gender Identity and Sexual Orientation

Many deep session can change how we feel, what we dream of and long for, what attracts and repulses, and what to do and refrain from.

Nevertheless, no matter how much we discharge (5,000+ hours), two things seem immutable, given: gender identity (whether we see ourselves as a man or a woman – try changing that) and sexual orientation (which kind of biological sex our partner’s body must have for us to feel unified with them through sex – try changing that). We certainly can clean those two up, but it seems to me that we cannot choose between the two alternatives for each. This is kind of a bummer with our notion of free choice and autonomy, but we also cannot discharge away gravity, or produce a womb by re-evaluation, and we’ll get over it.

If so, we cannot choose which gender recognition (from ourselves and others) we need and which of the sexes our partner needs to be so that we may “feel one” through sexuality. Still, at all times, we keep full freedom where to put our attention and what to do with our life.

Allies – Inside and Outside of RC

Oppression against Trans-people is not primarily on medical issues. Rather, when a Trans tries to pass as non-Trans (as Cis), many people still would pick up somehow that s/he’s kind of “different” from them, also in RC. More than a few seem pretty uncomfortable with that, no matter how a closeted Trans-person would try to behave – from serious to friendly. This may disturb relationships more than “visible” identities. To be safe for Trans-people, Cis-Allies need to get over their Trans-uneasiness. This is nothing shameful – most people seem to have this awkwardness. Stand out by working on it!

It’s clear to me how Cis-people (non-Trans-people) could profit from gender identity work (see the below direction). We often need to tell heterosexuals that they too have a specific sexual identity, Whites that they also have a culture to be proud of, and men that they have a good body to praise as well, which as Allies they need to claim and clean up. Equally, we might need to tell Cis-people that they too have a gender identity to clean up.

A direction to say: I’m not a (wo)man – I just pass as one. (I discharge when I say the direction with “man” or with “woman”.)

Just as with this work on other identities, sometimes the counselor must really persist when confusion comes up. After all, the goal of taking a direction is not to miraculously understand things after just contemplating it, but to actually declare it, say what that would imply and discharge. Re-evaluation always follows. I believe this direction cleans up our identity rather than removing it, making old gender-role-related putdowns and expectations less susceptible to restimulation.

There seems no connection between being androphile or/and gynophile (being attracted to men or women) and gender identity. Yet the oppressions (as so many) do have similarities. Allies to Gays need to work on their own sexuality and own sexual orientation but also on upsets about homosexuals (abnormal, scary, disgusting, evil). Allies to Trans-people need to work on their gender – see above direction. They may also ask themselves: What would I feel and desire if my body was the opposite sex that I feel I am? Allies to Trans-people too need to look at what upsets them about Trans-people (abnormal, scary, disgusting, evil). Besides, if one fancies one gender much over the other, a sex change in a loved one may make that person (not) attractive to you – feelings of loss or gain to work on!

Last but not least, Harvey Jackins once credited RC with stopping an anti-Jewish wave in the US. But because it was still confused about homosexuals, the repression came out against homosexuals instead (Anita Bryant), he said. We would not want a repeat of history against Trans-people (President Trump just announced a Trans ban for the US military. Promisingly, it’s not yet implemented thanks to opposition by US military leaders). On the one hand, we are forty years on, and Trans-people (and Gays and Lesbians!) in the US are not as isolated as homosexuals were then. There are now a lot of Allies in many communities in the US and Europe. On the other hand, we would want RCers to join this fight as Cis-Allies, to take it on, not secondary to uprooting classism, adultism, racism, xenophobia, anti-Semitism, sexism, ablebodyism, etc.

NB: No Cis-Ally needs to agree that Trans-ideas are sound, in order to stand with Trans-people against discrimination and oppression.