Is Rational Sex a Human Need? Without Distress Patterns, Would we Still be Sexual?

Harvey worked a lot on his Early Sexual Memories and you could tell. You can tell someone who systematically cliented and counseled others on any distress connected to sexuality in any way at all. It’s often easy discharge and plentiful. But persistence and diligence are crucial.

Read his writings about sexuality – they are pure gold. (Read the original English if you can as it’s very hard to translate this well unless one has done much work in this area.)

I would like to add something to Harvey’s work on sexuality. It will not deal with morality (good or evil), only with choice (intelligent or ridged).

Harvey did not live to answer the question: When we’re completely Rational, would we still have sex? Is there a real need for sex after we discharge and abandon all ridged sex or is sex only to have children and for the rest, Frozen Needs and addictions that should be discharged about, and not acted upon?

My words will not contradict or replace anything Harvey every showed, said, wrote or discovered about sexuality. They are merely a small addition.

It seems that sexuality has the unique ability to deeply cement our connection to other human beings and that that alone is our best way to combat existential loneliness. (Many people, after one deep connection, even if that ends, seem to have had their loneliness broken for good.)

In other words: Without a steady sexual relationship, most people must feel unbearably lonely. Just like the solution to thirst is drinking and to hunger is eating (or when these are frozen needs, the solution is discharging), the solution to loneliness is a proper sexual relationship.

By “proper” I mean a steady friendship. It must be emotionally close. And physically close (massage, cuddling) too. While trying to give each other sexual feelings and climaxing is a cherry on the cake.

Only eating cherries and no cake just will make you nauseous – just like eating from loneliness instead of for nutrition. Sex with strangers-who-leave-us-immediately doesn’t solve our loneliness. Sex-on-our-own connects us to nothing and increases our loneliness and sex obsession.

Most people seem to be able to connect so deeply only with men or with women. Early in life, this preference is neuro-biologically engraved in the brain and not up for choice or change later. Only some people are truly bisexual in that either biological sex of their partner would suffice.

Most people can have pleasant sex with both sexes but not bond deeply with both.

Rational humans then, should not be interested in engaging in sex on their own, in recreational sex or in sex outside their preference, even when consensual.

Our description of a rational position on sex does not imply that we think that society should outlaw or oppress people who use consensual sex differently.

Frozen needs and fears around sex (ready for discharge) should not have the final word if we have sex or not. But just as patterns around food should not make us stop eating, patterns around sex do not need us to cut out sexuality. Just use it in a good relationship that is steady, already close emotionally and physically, to bond and unite.

My suggestion: sex is a rational need. All grownups need a sexual relationship to dissolve loneliness. It’s worth it to discharge thoroughly on all distress connected to sex in any way at all to have the real thing.

PS: As a bonus, this clarifies that there is more to sexual orientation than what people are feeling, wanting or doing. Sexual orientation says with which biological sex you can have deep sexual feelings and bonding.

If we are right, we also answered another question Harvey worked hard to solve: is it Rational to be heterosexual/homosexual? Sexual orientation seems as fixed as gender identity. And most people need either a man or a woman to break isolation. That sounds rational, no?

And that’s why a monogamous contra-orientational (the opposite from in accordance with your orientation) sexual relationship will almost never hold. It does not resolve your existential loneliness.