History: We Were Only Allowed to Lead RC Anti-Racism if …

Stories about RC in the olden days can be informative to RCers less years around and also do justice to past work that we stand on today.

There was a time that almost all RCers were White (Caucasian). Then we were advised to all work on our earliest memories connected to racism. And no one was allowed to lead an event (evening, support group, workshop) on discharging racism unless the majority of one’s friends was non-Caucasian. That was a frustrating but great idea. Those were the days!

So, in order to make progress here, we had to make non-White friends, get out of our White bubble (isolation) and that would give us plenty of stuff to discharge on more.

These were the stages I went through.

A. What Racism, What Non-Whites?

I was hardly aware of racism. And I assumed that “being against it” sufficed. And non-Whites did not seem around. Until I started discharging. Then I suddenly remember a teacher who was not White. And then another one. And how strange grownups reacted to them.

I decided to be in a topic group against racism at every workshop and to counsel on it for an hour every week, saying: it’s not a lot but it’s still something.

B. Guilt, Guilt, Guilt

It was so hard to think at all when guilt was everywhere in your head.

The best way was to discharge on early memories and to set a goal at the end of the session for one action against racism. Preferably a small attainable goal. If you didn’t succeed in your goal, you did not get punished or were not frowned-up. But if you did succeed in any way (for instance, you remembered your goal), you had something good to use for discharge in the next session.

Besides working on early memories, celebrating (Hurray, hurray!) fresh successes were another successful way to discharge. And fresh failure was also easy to discharge on.

C. Becoming More Experienced

Slowly, it dawned on us that we didn’t need to hide our racism as non-Whites could smell it a mile away. We started interrupting racist remarks (another success to report on in our sessions). We did not attack Whites making racist remarks or “jokes” but rather tried to win them over to join anti-racism.

D. Leading, Finally

It was a great moment when I concluded that I was spending most of my time with friends with non-Whites. I could start leading groups.

I was already doing many sessions with other Caucasians about racism. And with a leader who had a non-White partner. (That surely helps being motivated to work on this stuff.)

E. Racism Hurts the Oppressor Too

It became clear to me that while racism hurts, maims and kills non-Whites, in terms of distress recordings, White children got a really bad deal too. That we, from a very young age, feel deeply ashamed of the racism from White grownups who raise us (including the uneasiness of those who preached against racism). That’s a very lonely life!

Whites, first of all, do a favor to themselves being serious about being an ally to non-Whites, to get rid of their racism and deep loneliness. And to reconnect to how good we are for not wanting anything to do with racism.

F. Mixed Blessings

I noticed something special in my regular co-counselors who had a mixed ethnic background: one non-White and one White parent. They had “regular” internalized White racism combined with very strong feelings against non-Whites including themselves. The put-downs from their White parent had hit harder than from strangers. I checked with other mixed-background counselors. Same story.

G. Are Whites Oppressed?

Then I led a Regional RC workshop for Whites exploring if Whites are oppressed. (This was 10 years before Harvey asked the question. Can you be bragging if you just state what happened and you worked hard for it?)

We tried a direction like “I promise to be completely close to my White family” and me saying to my client “I will never distance myself from you” – something like that. Tons of discharge.

Racism doesn’t only isolate Whites from non-Whites, it isolates Whites from each other and themselves!

My Chinese friend liked my hope that Whites only needed to reconnect to each other and then would automatically stop being racist. It was a nice over-simplified dream.

I would say now, White young people certainly are oppressed, not as Whites but certainly as White young people (See HERE).

H. It Passes on

It became so important in my life that I would not marry a “racist.” And I didn’t. That also helped my children to have close friends (and partners) of every ethnicity.

Love Thy Enemy as Thyself

I heard that Cherie Brown, many decades ago, advocated learning to love people while they still have all their distress in place. Not just to say: Once they’re less distressed, I’ll like them.

You don’t throw out your shoes when some mud got stuck to them.

We want someone (our partner) to change? They couldn’t. But what they can do is to become themselves again. When we love them, they have exactly what it takes to free themselves from old distress. But, when we want them charged, even a little, all they hear is “you don’t love me” and are stuck. So, let’s love them with all they have. Paradoxically, when we love them as they are, they will “change.” When we want them changed, they are stuck.

To forgive people who hurt us – it is said a lot – we can do to free ourselves – from anger, resentment, revenge. Hate may be better than self-hate but we’re still stuck in hatred – a world of violence. (Forgiveness for some of us might be premature when the hurt is still fresh.)

What about more distant people?

Most of us know people we “absolutely” “simply” can’t stand. What do we need to discharge to love them, feel for them, give them a hand, be generous toward them so that we humbly can “be an environment in which healing can take place” (Ram Dass) so that the moment they see us or hear from us, they’ll start discharging effectively, feeling that they are with a friend, someone to trust?

As long as we are antagonistic, they will just hate us back. Then they also can’t stand “people like us.” But more than we could hate their distress recordings, they’d love to get rid of them. Let’s be their allies!

To dislike them, we must feel superior to them. We must think that we are nicer or more proper or more moral or more intelligent – whatever we fancy, not to identify with them and prefer ourselves over them. We need to remember that no one was born to please us, give us a better (a more comfortable) life, to be there just for our good. That means that when we hate, we must work on humbleness more and our integrity.

We don’t have to endanger ourselves to dangerous recordings, but when we’re safe, we can try to get rid of our greatest powerlessness vis- à-vis others. And when we can deal with such people, we can deal with anyone. Getting closer to one person improves all our relationships.

We should not ignore violent patterns. But we should also make a distinction between the person and the pattern. That is fundamental to RC. We can’t expect to be involved in bettering humanity if we only want to be close to certain people. Harvey was everyone’s ally. So can we be.

Learn to Say: I Don’t Know

Schools often shame students for not knowing. They even pretend that knowing or memorizing stuff makes you intelligent. No, it makes you knowledgeable. Discharge makes you smart again.

In science, it is considered legitimate to say, “I don’t know.” It is an unpopular answer but not with scientists. There was even a recent philosopher of science who taught that most progress in science comes from discovering what is not true, does not work.

I once saw a patient explain how it was, to have an unidentified illness for 40 years. He said: Doctors were honest and said: “We don’t know what you have.” That was OK. They didn’t say: “It’s nothing.”

Harvey was always very precise in make a distinction between what he found and what he hoped for. He made  very clear that physical immortality was a possibility, good as a direction for sessions, but not a fact (yet). That was in a different time. Now, serious medical doctors and institution are working on ending all disease and on how to stop and reverse aging. That wasn’t around yet, when he wrote his shortest poem ever, his Anti-Requiem, which I memorized, and you may too: “Why Die?”

After doing and giving thousands of hours of sessions, he built a theory about sexuality. He saw how much discharge was still needed so he didn’t make it a final. (Here, I propose an addition to that theory.)

Sometimes, some people have chosen hiding a lack of knowledge for tactical reasons. To give hope to their audience. I like better, “I hope to know soon.” Harvey would invite workshop participants to ask questions with, “Either I know how to counsel you or I will counsel you until you know.” He didn’t say: “I know everything.”

What’s definitely not OK (for leaders , especially) is to pretend, to bluff for their ego. It is a type of dishonesty and distances between the speaker and the rest.

If you can’t say, “I don’t know,” you’ll end up lying and misleading.

Learn to Say: I Don’t Know – and  smile.

How to Communicate at the Same Time that the Situation is Dire and that All is Well?

Harvey suggested after asking the above question: At least when we suggest that all is well, the patterns will object that the situation is dire. Something like that. Have we come any further than that? Maybe.

Listen to Al Gore communicating about all our lives hanging in the balance. His message, information and reasoning have all the alarming information while his tone is absolutely light, calm and confident.

No doubt, that’s the reason that his YouTube clips drown in a rising sea of fake news’ videos denying climate change. He’s a very effective communicator that the big polluters don’t want you to see or believe.

US actor/film star-turned-president Ronald Reagan used the same airy composed sonorous sure tone.

They didn’t take out a copyright on this. Let’s practice it in our sessions and use it. It’s like rehearsing a good joke. Once we told it enough times, we stop laughing about it and are better able to make others laugh with it.

Let’s train ourselves saying the most alarming (and true, and therefore most alarming) things good-humoredly calmly and confidently. If people can do this without RC, we certainly can reach this while discharging.

(It’s scary that one’s power increases with one’s improved tone. That should “obligate” us to also work on our integrity and on being an ally with all oppressed groups (and all people) – not to abuse this “authority.”)

(But those who learned, as (children of) agents of oppression, to fake confidence, a reassuring tone while they’re either numb or terrified really, they should do sessions on being real.)

We can walk and talk to groups as if we are the emperor while we talk with any individual as their best friend. If have seen someone do so.

It’s not true that we get more followers or students when we sound sweet and vulnerable all the time. Now – that’s for most of us something scary to internalize.

Big Shout-Out to Diane Shisk

It is not true that all leaders have good sessions. Harvey for years, notoriously and to his chagrin had to mention that his clienting was not so successful. (Less experienced counselors too easily project what they need to discharge about unto their leaders. And then, they don’t think about what the leader needs.) Asking groups you lead to counsel you can help. It’s also a nice way to repay the leader for the effort. (HERE are some hopefully helpful hints how to counsel our leaders better.)

I also have seen leaders who are bad clients. Although every client always does the best s/he can, we can still as clients choose to try and help our counselor, not help our counselor or even trouble our counselor. Intimidating our counselors, criticizing them, telling them to shut up, are some of the ways even experienced clients may act. Which, of course, makes their sessions shallow and their progress slow.

I’m relating this to say: it’s not a given that an experienced RC leader has great sessions. Therefore, I want to applaud Diane for being our example of making sure she has effective sessions. How does that show? Well, one Present Times she writes that she is way too hopeless and anxious to lead environmental change and the next Present Time she pens what we need to know, what we need to counsel about and what we need to do to save the planet. In other words: she saw her challenge and took it.

(This validation is only for Diane, not an oblique criticism on other RCers.)

Defeating Perfectionism and Over-Responsibility Recordings

Perfectionism sounds so nice, besides so bookish, formal. If you wouldn’t know so much about it, you would assume that perfectionism must have a few problems but is basically a good thing. Who wouldn’t want to be close to perfect? Well, that is not what perfectionism is at all!

Perfectionism is a hyper-focus on some areas in life while neglecting other important parts. Like someone who would spend all his time buying and preparing food but would ignore cleaning the house, themselves, thinking about the money, friends, etc. Sounds like great meals but in a very messy setting. Or someone who would rebuild classical sports cars and ignore any other responsibilities in life. Her cars look amazing – I’m sure – but what about taking care of life?

But that’s not even all of the disaster. The recording is often so extreme that nothing is good enough. Writers not just polishing their texts but keep polishing the polish and never publishing anything because it’s still not good enough. Or fidgeting endlessly about details of details and so missing the deadline. So, also the areas of “expertise” get bad results.

It sometimes depends. You want your neurosurgeon to be extremely precise but only when it matters. But in general, perfectionism is a pattern that needs to be broken. It’s good enough. Let it go. It’s not that critical. There is no perfection. High time to be messy. Sloppy people get more done. What else is there to focus on? Please take over.

Another distress recording that gets much too good a press is chronic over-responsibility. It turns out that there are no chronic irresponsibility and responsibility recordings. Everyone takes responsibility. Let me explain.

People that are called chronically irresponsible take care of themselves first and for all. Society doesn’t value that, so calls them irresponsible. It is also annoying when someone will not move because they first feel like taking a session and then eating a meal and then having a shower…. As Harvey said: When it’s time to take out the garbage (who likes doing that?), take out the garbage. [Don’t first take a session about it. You’ll discharge while you do it – singing.] It’s good to take care of oneself – but in proportion – if you don’t want your surroundings to start closing in on you.

We should be completely selfish because then we would also take honor and pride in taking care of everything, including ourselves.

But to discharge a chronic irresponsibility recording is hard. I don’t feel like it. Why me? Maybe tomorrow. You need friends to get this done.

The opposite recording also exists. People who try to take care of everything and everyone, desperately dreaming of one day someone going to take care of them and to tell them that it’s enough. It’s very irresponsible not to eat, rest, sleep, exercise and discharge well enough but society encourages this kind of slavery to the needs of others.

As the old RC Scroll quotes the three rhetorical questions by Hillel: If I’m not for myself, who should be? If I’m only for myself, what is my life about? And if not now, when? The first step cannot be skipped.

This pattern is easier to get rid off since it’s so irresponsible to be over-responsible. Harvey allowed us to use patterns to get rid of patterns.

Integrity Campaign

It is extremely hard to tackle deep untruthfulness patterns. A little dishonesty often melts in front of a friendly face. Most people can’t help saying what bothers their conscience, discharge, and they’re on their way to freedom and honesty. But people who were not privileged to have anyone around them who was at all trustworthy from before the time they could talk, how to help them get rid of that isolation?

They know how to playact. They know how to hide. They see two kinds of people – those who also won’t show their weak spots and – as they see it – the idiots. They won’t tell anyone they regard as naive or weak. But at the same time, the courage of “weak people” fascinates but also abhors them. But confide in anyone – you must be kidding.

This is a real problem in the world so we must deal with it. More urgently even because we have also counseling leaders who have this chronic pattern. They deserve to be set free – although at first, they may not readily applaud such. But their lack of truthfulness hampers RC.

The best of RC may in fact contribute to the problem because we try to act as if we have no distress recordings in order to help us discharge them. That, of course, can be confused with pretense and secrecy. (Some people I met (farmers, Russians) will not pretend so easily. Every time they take a direction (smile while not feeling happy), they feel like cheaters.) Harvey called integrity the first (!) quality needed in a leader. But possibly, had a blind spot here. I’ve seen a bit too many leaders he appointed who were challenged in the candor area.

How to find out who are the people with such distress recordings of faking it all so that we could try to help them? One way is to look for people in the community with a golden integrity. They never get along with the fakes – and vice versa. Support the real and honest people to take leadership and notice who starts revolting – or flattering the powerful to have their recordings stay in power.

Another, more elegant solution would be if these people, so viciously treated when very young, would invite each other to climb out of this pit together. They recognize each other, so that would be easy. They were so brutally hurt by others that they decided then to rather kill than ever let anyone get emotionally close again. But they are still in their bunkers and someone needs to tell them that the war is over. What better way than to tell each other. They can come out, bask in the light and start recovery and enjoy being close to others finally, without any danger. They should be applauded for persistence and bravery. They may have to ask forgiveness from people they victimized as they were telling themselves that nice people around them just wanted to hurt them more. They could try to reach out to the honest people they pushed out of RC.

I have not much experience in counseling the chronically dishonest.  Best would be to give them an ultimatum: no more leadership until you come clean. They might still rather leave RC. Which is not what we want.

I remember one time in which I guessed to be meeting one abusive (they often also have abusive and power-holic patterns) counseling leader. Beforehand, I did long and deep sessions about how much I hated such patterns and how they had made me suffer so often. She did attend and I was going to try to counsel her.

I asked her with a beaming face for a mini. She agreed. You start, she said, much to my expectation. I counseled on something with a direction off of distress, something light, that made me cry and would confirm to her that I’m a meek lamb. Then it was her turn. I looked at her with all my love and she came with some fake sob story while avoiding eye contact. I made sure I did hardly anything – one doesn’t want to scare a control-freak. And then I said something like: Where do you find the strength? She cried so deeply and long. And I just sat there being pleased. At farewells, she mentioned to the group that I had worked miracles on her.

People with such pretender patterns often know how to cry on demand (and stop as if closing a faucet) but this was different. I had touched her very deeply.

Yet, as I expected, she did not call me to keep counseling her and set her free. Too bad! Although, maybe she was right. She was in no position to counsel me well – though she was a big leader and I was just an honest counselor.

As a community, we must become so truthful that these hidden people will escape their emotional prison by just looking at us. Ignoring this problem (because we were too naive to see it or felt too hopeless about it) has not made it go away. Let’s get to work!

Real Democracy – No to Suppression and No to Permissiveness!

We all want a better world. We would like to improve society. Especially, after we get a glimpse in RC of human potential and harm from the present oppressive society. But are we developing a vision of what a better society could look like? One of the early RC scrolls with a quote from Harvey rimes something like:

On foot or on horseback
Per rocket or rowing
It makes a difference
To know where we’re going

We could fancy the slow way. We make sure that every person gets rid of most of their distress recordings and then we’ll have a humane society for all. That might be difficult if not impossible. Especially to get all people to be more rational while present society hurts and kills us. But difficulty and possibility aside, it sure will be slow and costly  to many. It might be better to first try create a society that doesn’t set out to hurt, maim, kill and exploit.

But what should it look like?

We know that simply changing the system of rule or the group in charge will not do it. Many revolutions were of good will at the start, only to become oppressive and murderous soon after. We need to discharge on oppression because most oppressed people put in charge but not discharging their old victimizations will quickly flop to becoming oppressors themselves. So, people must “change” for society to really change. But as I suggested above, not in that order.

Then, what should a new society look like? Sometimes the question is better than any answer available? I want to invite more people to turn our attention to building a vision to what we are striving for.

Crying about the past and the present is good and needed. But there comes a time that we must also think about the future.

So maybe we should admit that currently we don’t have such a great view on what society should be all about.

For inspiration I would add a few principles of a better society, but not pretending that this doesn’t need a tremendous amount of more thought by many people together.

• Society should not be repressive of people.
• Society should not be permissive towards patterns that hurt people (including themselves).
• Society should be for the good of everyone, sacrifice no one.
• Society should replace obedience and enforcement by listening to each other, negotiations (between spouses, parents and children, boss and workers, etc) and free choice for all.
• Society should pay people to take time to discharge.
• Society should work towards abolishing punishment, oppression, police, jail, army, hospitals and death.

Something like that.

We know how to brainstorm. We have the format of Think and Listen.

Let’s build a dream together to get to a better reality.

Recognize and Contradict the Passive Quieting Agreeable Distress!

Dramatizing is the term we use for someone acting out their distress. The noise was a dramatization of her fear and when discharge started rolling, it melted away. We can tell that someone who is upset tries to get to discharge from the way they dramatize. We might even be able to tell this about ourselves.

By the way, I would like to suggest that we might have another reason for dramatizing than just (subconsciously) inviting others to give us a good session, attention so that we may discharge our distress – although that is a fine reason all by itself.

Maybe we also try to create more safety for ourselves when we dramatize. So, when our counselors are able to show us that they care about us, the drama should shop, is not needed anymore. When we are loud, we pretend to have power and that we can’t be stopped and then we can begin to discharge powerlessness and un-safety from the past.

Anyhow, I want to say that there might be a type of dramatization that we could overlook too easily. The “I won’t say anything” dramatization. An “I’m fine, don’t have any unmet needs right now.”

You know them. People who are always responsible (towards others but much less towards themselves – which is the essence of a Responsibility Recording). Those who are forever attentive to others, friendly, unassuming, generous.

Someone could be the life of the party or an eye-catching leader but still only because others need that. Forever serving.

Now, at first sight, they may look great. People who are calm quiet shy responsible friendly giving or at least not taking. May I suggest that this could be a dramatization too? Give them sessions too, as you would if they were feeling self-important, demanding attention, “overcome” with feelings, being loud or “bothering” others.

If they are a long time in RC and have done lots of sessions, offering them to dramatize wildly might not work for them anymore. But how about inviting them to be “irresponsible” for a moment or be “self-centered” or asking them, “What would you feel and wish if no one else and nothing needed your attention anymore?” or “How are you doing, deep down?” or “What was an early time in your life when being quiet seemed better than being noisy?” or “I had my turn – how about you?”

Counseling is not a tranquilizer, for making people quiet again. It’s for making us flourish, become more our true selves. All of us.

Don’t abandon the quiet ones! As Harvey said: while we were talking, they were thinking. Focus on them, listen to them. It will make RC safer for the Working Class – and probably everyone. And it will make true our commitment that became our One Point Program in RC: to help each other – not just the loud ones – recover our hidden intelligences.

Please, Stop Playing Therapist! But Counsel Your Leaders!

I truly learned most to be a real counselor from working with survivors of the Mental Health System. They would not buy any of my patterned unaware attempts to “treat”/”help” them. (One doesn’t need to be in RC to understand this: Why I Quit Being a Therapist.)

Just Assist

You can only bother or assist, not “save” the client.

Instead of our judgment of the client, what is needed are our respect and trust in them and trust in the process of healing past hurts. When we run out of patience, we can pretend to be patient. The client won’t mind.

As I mentioned before, us having intelligent thoughts while the client discharges is good. They prevent us from getting bored. But they are not to bother the client. The first rule is to have respect for the client’s work.

If we get to do anything specific (besides the general mode of paying loving warm attention with relaxed high expectations) we will still only have assisted the client slightly. The client must be and is the hero of the session. That’s what Harvey believed and always demonstrated – even while he was not timid and was holding that he was the best counselor in the world.

Harvey defined as a session, two intelligences thinking about the reemergence of one. He taught that counseling works best when the client is the expert. Therefore, anything that smells of the counselor trying to manipulate, being arrogance or knowing-better this is not RC. The client is not “off the deep end.” Even if we see something real that our client seems to miss, the client knows so much more about their position than we.

So, how to supply one’s thinking as counselor? A safe way I found is to ask the client if one can say something (after waiting a bit – and a bit more) and sharing one’s thinking. Much like in a Think and Listen.

Last but not least, some respect for discharging would be good. Tears are not a sign of someone being confused. Sometimes, we as counselors would start crying if we really would give our best loving attention or say our best directions or thoughts to our client. Then don’t stop your own tears. They may even inspire or move your client. Don’t try to cry – that is clienting. But also don’t block your tears – that’s dramatizing – even when it gets unnoticed. Know that your tears are not “about their pain.” Everyone can only cry their own tears. But isn’t it moving when your counselor loves you so much that s/he’s willing to discard their own comfort in order to be there for you the most? In any case, try to cry softer than your client.

The Real RC

Here come some different levels of RC as it developed over the years.
I leave out if the client discharged. You may fill that in yourself.

• Basic RC

“It’s cold today. I put on an extra sweater. I hate cold winds.”

“….”

“It reminds me of when I was little. My parents never noticed when I was cold ….”

• Old RC

“It’s cold today. I put on an extra sweater. I hate cold winds.”

“Say again: ‘I hate cold winds.'”

“I hate cold winds.”

“Again!”

• Advanced Old RC

“It’s cold today. I put on an extra sweater. I hate cold winds.”

“Say: ‘I love cold winds a little bit.'”

“I love cold winds a little bit.”

“Say: ‘I completely love cold winds.'”

“I completely love cold winds.”

• “New” RC (For the last 38 years – Benign Reality, Focus Away From Distress)

“It’s cold today. I put on an extra sweater. I hate cold winds.”

“Say: ‘I so enjoy my sweater.'”

“I so enjoy my sweater.”

“Say: ‘I’m glad I brought it.'”

“I’m glad I brought it.”

(Did you notice that patiently listening actually worked best here?)

• For if it would help, let me describe a typical session I give today.

I listen to the client and think with the client. Thoughts I have about what to say, I hold back a bit to see where the client goes, what s/he knows already, may do already, so that s/he’ll feel safe and powerful.

I don’t steer or lead nor follow. Rather, I try to walk up together.

I don’t try to influence the session. Rather, I share my thinking and see what the client can do with that. The client stays in change. This is not since my thinking would not be OK but because the client’s thinking is.

After some time, I’ll try to add to the session, my thinking to the client’s thinking. I may add a suggestion. Not to stop the client or to have influence.

When I have an idea for a new (or old) direction, I’d rather share my thinking than my conclusion. This way the client can think about it too. Like: May I say something? I thought that you could use a little bit more self-confidence. What do you say? And then I listen and then some.

If I suggest a direction and the client can say it beautifully without effort or discharge, I didn’t help. I should wait more before talking again, think some more while listening.

Some of my regular counselors say that I “have a unique way of counseling people.” I disagree. It’s just plain RC as Harvey taught.

Counseling Leaders

But the opposite can also rob a session of its potential.

While some counselors have lots of opinions about what others say, others not so much. The latter just follow what someone says and don’t get excited about many things. The calmness is OK but if as a counselor you tend to just follow, try in your sessions to formulate your thoughts out loud and discharge until you become more “opinionated” – but stay as cool as you were. You need an opinion to add to your client’s opinion, but be relaxed about it still.

Harvey taught us that counseling works best when the client is the expert. But he did not say: “When the client is much more experienced in RC, just let them talk or cry. They know so well what they need.”

He also taught that you don’t need to search for chronic patterns – those are the things all over the client. Don’t say: I can’t get close enough to find out what the chronics are because the client won’t let me. That’s the chronic, acting like a cactus. I would say then: I was thinking: hard to trust anyone, no? Or: It seems lonely at the top. Then listen.

They may have gotten a bad habit of silencing the counselor. Let them say it, welcome their words and “bother” their isolation patterns again soon. Even if just saying what they feel: Hard to client when the counselor tries to client in your time, no? Hard for others to understand you, no? If listening is hard for your client, give them a wink to show that you think along and see and hear them.

Don’t let your expert client do all the work. Chip in. Just like with working with expert Directions like set Commitments. While the client is using these snowplows against all distress, the counselor can add to the session. If only with something like: Way to go! Good for you!

So, don’t be over-active, don’t be lazy and think all the time.

To sum it all up: Your role as counselor is not to just sit there and listen and not to just sit there and come up with brilliant Directions from brilliant insight. Rather, your role is to share your thinking with the client in such a way that the expert (the client) can come up with the best synthesis between what the two of you think so that s/he can connect with the most of the Benign Reality and can discharge the most.